The Coldest Morning of My Life
by S. Strunk

This has been a source of humor for nearly everyone that hears the story, and with help from my buddies, everyone normally does!  Even if I don't win the sight, I hope everyone has a good laugh.

It was a very, very cold November morning, and I was up and out well before dawn.  It was still very dark when I parked and got dressed beside my truck.  I had the trail I was going to take clearly marked, and already had set up the climber stand at the foot of the tree a couple days before.  It had rained the night before, and the ground was very icy and cold, so the trek to my stand was not quiet at all.

Once there, I tied up everything to the tow rope, and climbed the tree with the stand.  I was hunting an area with a lot of mountain laurel that had several trails and paths going through it, so I needed to get up pretty high to clear the tops of the laurel.  Once up, I hoisted up the tow rope, and secured all my stuff to the tree hook beside me.  This is where everything went horribly wrong very quickly.

I stood up, and adjusted the seat on my climbing stand for comfort before dawn, then turned to sit back down.  The stand was new, and I had never really hunted from a climbing tree stand before, though I had practiced a few times while not hunting.  I was not aware of the fact that the rope provided was to harness the two pieces of the stand together.  Big mistake!  As soon as I sat back down and started to get comfortable, the bottom half of the stand fell straight to the ground with a thunderous crash!  At first it didn't really hit me that I was stuck, and I was more upset about the noise that I had just made, but as soon as I got a grasp on the situation, I knew that I was pretty much screwed.

I sat there for a minute pondering the situation, and realized that my choices were very limited.  In fact, by very limited, I mean I had three choices:

1. I could have jumped to the neighboring tree, which was about 10 feet away, and offered very little in the way of comfort or security that it would not be the last jump I ever took.
2. I could risk the chance of never having children (not to mention life) and bear hug the tree I was on and slide down.  But this was a bad idea, as it was covered in ice, and really, I'd like to have children someday.  Plus the pain involved with that idea made the first choice much more appealing.
3. I could use some intuition and imagination and figure out a way to get out of the tree while not using idea numbers one or two.

I went with choice number three.  I realized quick that the 1/8" tow rope with was not going to be enough to get it done, so I moved onto clothing. 

I removed shirts, pants, jacket, long john top and bottom.  I tied them altogether in a row, and then tied them to the branch my safety rope was tied to.  Together they fell to about 10' above the ground, and I figured I'd just make that drop without problem - another bad mistake. 

Now, keep in mind that it's November, I'm sitting in a seat with nowhere to stand, completely naked less boots and boxers, risking life and limb to repel the 30' back to the ground. Here is where it started to drizzle on me.  I was so cold I couldn't grasp the makeshift rope, and I didn't have the courageousness to let myself fall off the seat and trust it anyhow, so I was quickly starting to worry about what the hell I was going to do.

Finally, I just couldn't stand it anymore.  I sent my wife the info where I was, but didn't tell her what was happening because I didn't want her to worry about it, and I knew she couldn't find me anyhow.  And I wasn't about to let this get out to the police and fire department, so, I bit the bullet and lowered myself off the seat.  I hung there for a minute with equal parts weight on the rope and the seat which I couldn't bring myself to let go of completely.  Luckily, my hand slipped off the seat because of the freezing rain that was pelting my exposed skin, and I hung there on the rope for a minute.  I reached out and grabbed the pine and pulled it close to me with one hand while I wrapped the rope around my leg to hold myself.  It gave a little, but it held my weight without issue.  I lowered myself slowly and scared to death to the last section of the makeshift rope and dropped to the ground.

Unhurt and a lot ashamed, I then realized I had a whole new problem. The seat and all my clothes were still connected to the tree, and the 10' of area between the ground and the lowest section of clothing seemed a mile away.  It was raining harder now, and a couple hours had passed, and I was sure that I was about to just go into some sort of hypothermia and die.  Then it got worse.  I realized that I left my bag connected to the hook beside my stand on the tree - thirty feet away from the keys to my truck, in November, in Connecticut, and nothing but a pair of wet boxers and boots to protect me. I wanted to cry, but it was just too funny.  I imagined other hunters seeing me in the woods with nothing on, and wanted to crawl into a hole.

Finally, I found a stick (or a complete fallen tree) long enough to pry the seat from the tree and let it fall to the ground.  I actually thought about shooting the stand in hopes that the shotgun shell would jar it loose, but thought better of it. 

Once the seat portion was down, I had to connect the sections together, and re-climb the tree (now dressed in wet, frozen clothes which felt colder than just being naked) to retrieve my bag and other stuff. It was the longest, coldest morning of my life.  I've never been more embarrassed, and contemplated not telling anyone the story, but it was just too good to not share. 

When I got back to my truck, I removed all my clothes (and I mean all of them), and sat there with the heat blasting away for nearly a half hour before covering myself with a dog blanket in the back, and hoping like hell I didn't get stopped on the way home by the cops.  It would not have been easy to explain. 

Anyhow, I hope everyone had a good laugh, and even if I'm not picked, it was nice to sit back and laugh at the story myself.  If nothing else, maybe it makes guys check that connector rope before getting that high up in a tree!  I do however think I should get points for telling a story that's not only funny, but something I contemplated never telling anyone, much less having it written all over the internet.